Eyes Wide Open

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 This was written in 2020.

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There are two things which can alter someone’s life completely. One is becoming a parent. The other is getting married. In a few months I will be completing 30 years in this world without having faced the above two things. My feelings slightly tilt towards glee rather than gloom. I have to admit that there was not a great deal of planning that went into achieving my current situation. There was a plan though. A vague plan, a conscious plan, but not a well thought out plan.

During adolescence and late teenage years when you get a sense of what relationships are all about, you kind of have a thought as to how you want your romantic and marital life to be. You will later realize that those thoughts were mostly influenced by what you saw in the movies and what you saw your peers do. The thought back then, was to get married when I would be 27 or 28. And it had to be a love marriage. That was very important. A point to be noted is that this was a time when I wasn’t even sure what or where or how my career was going to be. Long hail our Indian romantic movies where so much of an importance is given to the lead pair’s careers.

What could be the usual reasons for wanting a love marriage? It seems cool with all the conditioning from the movies, you get to understand each other, arranged marriages are old school and boring etc. Although I am not completely sure, I am fairly certain that these were part of the reasoning for myself. Also, there was a conscious one. The thing I have found fascinating about love marriages is that the most important life decision for the two persons involved is taken by those two persons. It was important for me that I take the most important decision of my life and not my parents and relatives. It was important for me that the person who was going to marry me took the most important decision of her life considering just my qualities and not the qualities of my family. If you aren’t noticing, this is where I slide in the fact that my sense of myself is a very huge Capital ‘I’.

There were years of college and there were the years of early and mid-twenties. Perfect time for my vague and not so thought out plan to have happened. A different turn of events and I would probably be writing on this subject in a different way. But here I am as a near thirty-year-old man, with a salvaged career and talking about marriage. I’m a not a believer of what-ifs. This is an opportunity to remove the ‘not-so’ from the not-so-thought-out notion I have had all these years. Let’s do that.

Life is a game which everyone has to play. There are no trials. Marriage is somewhat similar. At least we treat it that way. Marriage is a game which everyone chooses to play and then figure out if they are good at it or if it’s something not meant for them. We might tend to think that being in a relationship is a trial before marriage but I feel that the stakes aren’t real enough to give us a sense of what marriage is all about.

Anecdotally many people are not happy in a marriage but why do we keep pushing ourselves into it? Perhaps it’s the way human society legitimizes romantic relationships.

பொய்யும் வழுவும் தோன்றிய பின்னர்

ஐயர் யாத்தனர் கரணம் என்ப

The above is a reference from Tholkappiam, the oldest available Tamil literature. It means that marriage was created when lie and immorality started appearing in relationships.

There are references aplenty for love and marriage in Tamil literature but not so much for the right partner selection. It has mostly been out of love or for strategic purposes. But things are vastly different now. A good percentage of people realize the importance of finding the right partner. Its just that we either end up not defining who our right partner would be or succumb to the subtle pressures of the family.

When most of us think of a happy marriage or a happy relationship that has to win the test of time, we think of the love between the two. Love is great. Love is beautiful. Most art forms that we have created are based on the subject ‘Love’. “Love is the one thing we are capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space”, claims my favourite film maker Chris Nolan through a dialogue in the movie Interstellar. As we mostly are star-struck by the notion of love, we tend to forget that falling out of love is as much possible as falling in love.

I think love is only part of the answer. I myself stand as first hand witness to quite a few older couples having absolutely nothing but contempt for each other. It is not hard to imagine these same couple being fond of each other and full of love at the beginning of their marriages. What led them to the current scenario? What is the missing piece if they had love to begin with?

I think the missing piece is a feeling of respect. The respect I talk of is not the one that comes out of a position of knowledge or authority. It’s the appreciation that we have for someone’s judgement and sensibility. With this sense of appreciation, you won’t look down on your partner even when they do mistakes. Love for one another can bring two people together but I guess it’s the mutual respect and appreciation that keeps two people together.

Respect and appreciation are going to keep away criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. It is these four feelings, over time, will lead to a divorce according to John Gottman. John Gottman, you must know, is famous for predicting the success of any marriage with 83% accuracy, after observing a couple in conversation just for 15 minutes.

So, what do you do? “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards”, said Benjamin Franklin. I don’t think someone can put it better than this. You have to be brutally honest to yourself as to if you are the right person for the other and vice versa. Beyond attraction and love ask yourself if you respect and appreciate the other person’s thought process. Ask yourself if the other person respects and appreciates you. I am not qualified to talk about post marriage timeframe. But I strongly feel that it is necessary to get into a marriage with a mindset to give and take. As the wise man has said keep your eyes half shut when you are married.

Life is Beautiful

We have proclaimed ourselves as the dominant species of this planet in spite of a not so striking physical structure when compared to certain other species. Ironically human infants are the most helpless of all mammal off springs. We spend a lot of years growing up and it’s only fair, considering the challenges waiting for us out in the real word; most of them human made.

Time has always been time, moving in its own steady pace waiting for none and nothing; like a boss. Human perception has labelled time as slow and dragging until the late end of the 19^th century and now people have got time for nothing. Impatience is the new mantra; or at least they make us believe so. The world knows of the American Dream and the people of other developing countries are hopefully awaiting their own versions. In the thick of all these is life prospering in this fast forwarding world or is it struggling to keep up to it?

The idea of being the dominant species is a much generalized one. No individual Mr. X or Miss. Y thinks about it because as individuals we are occupied with a lot of other pressing things; things like clearing school and college, fetching a decent job, finding a life partner, securing one’s life with a comfortable retirement plan. Whether these expectations are self-made or were thrust upon us by the society is a whole new argument.

Life as such is simple. Maybe it’s not as simple as in the animal world where every life is born with an equal chance whereas here with our ever so efficient and equivalent social systems lives are born with different social statuses which are going to chase them life-long. But on a positive note one can say people with lesser means have a natural hunger to succeed and that ought to cancel out the head start which the people with a better social status enjoy. But the real problem with us is never about the money or is it? The real problem is more of a subjective thing, our emotions and feelings. Its these subjective things that give meaning and importance to the objective things such as money. In reality, reality itself is just what is left off after our emotions are done dealing with actual reality.

Confucius, the Chinese philosopher, said that life is really simple but we insist on making it complicated. Quite true and these complications arise because of our choices are being made not by intellect but by our emotions. And because of these emotions even though we have a thousand things to be happy for, we still mull over the one thing that worries us.

Don’t blame it all on the emotions and feelings just yet; cos these emotions are only synthesized by our brain based on how we interpret the things going on around us. Two different persons might portray entirely contrasting emotions towards a same situation. So it just boils down to the type of person you are.

Imagine a growing up kid; so full of excitement about the things he/she learns every day; so full of happiness. 

It doesn’t mean that grown-ups don’t have anything new to learn. The world is filled with unparalleled awesomeness that this single life is not sufficient to see them all. Open your eyes and open your heart. Un-complicate yourself. It is for the same reason I am keeping this article short where easily it could have been a 100 page detailed essay. You can either choose to grow old and die or you can LIVE Life. You only get a single shot at this life; your call.

Swasthika Sang

Fair Enough???

Many a time, many a person might feel this world isn’t fair enough. Maybe that’s why people are trying to make themselves fairer instead. We are not talking about Mr/Ms. Right and Mr/Ms. Wrong here; it’s about the skin complexion that has clinched the front seat for a while now. They say we are defined by what we do, but it’s a sorry thing that we are looked upon by how we look; rather than by what we do.

The Indian mentality of preferring a fair toned individual might not be a mystery, but it’s not a solved puzzle either. Most bridal columns feature fair skin as a take away; movies, magazines and ads portray fair skin as the desirable tone, the number of fairness products available in the market and much more. All these situations pose us the question – Have we become colour-despotic? Racism has become a loose word nowadays and let’s not discuss that here.

Everyone would have affronted this bias at some point and we were made to accept it rather than ponder about it due to various internal and external repercussions. The country which, once, considered dark to be beautiful was wracked up by the British colonial rule of those who imposed themselves as the superior. They did leave but not their impact on the cultural setting. One can casually point that the idea of fair skin being the desirable superior dawned upon us then.

The learned Brahman was inherently fair skinned owing to the occupation he did under the shade. The other working classes tasked under the sun resulting in a darker complexion. The system based on occupation slowly turned into a senseless caste system. Later, in the last decade education was made available to all classes but the stereotype that a learned person will be fair skinned did not change, thanks to a warped society and self-prejudice. It was only a matter of time for the fair which was considered learned to become the fair which was deemed desirable and beautiful.

It was well played by the cosmetic companies in utilizing the stereotype that had been created and cash in on the people's insecurity. Fair & _____, the first child of Indian cosmetic market has a lot of siblings and cousins now and has grown immensely in the last decade. The sales figures are staggering and ‘poor’ India is soon to be a billion dollar market for cosmetics. The macho look is being forgotten and metrosexual look is preferred for the men. Indian men of today say, “Oh, we want to prettify ourselves too” and have jumped aboard the ship of fairness cosmetics. The galore of media campaigns lead by the big screen stars aggressively drills the idea deep into every individual.

The capitalist industry itself did not plot this scenario and cannot be blamed for doing business with it. Media 

only spreads an idea whereas the birth of a socialistic perception is from within a community. Likewise the fix should also come from within us. We were swimming with the tide so far and one need not be proclaimed guilty because they had this unfairness in them, but, it shall be a misdeed to have it even after realizing the fact that facial fairness is only a mask we are trying to wear which will make us performers and never even close to the true us.

It is an outright irony considering the fact that the white Westerners try to tan themselves and the brown South Asians try to whiten themselves. The human ‘never contend with anything mind’ could be responsible for this or it could be something else, but whatever it is, we have plunged ourselves into the depths of self-insecurity. We somehow managed to convince ourselves fair is desirable; we just need to dissuade ourselves now. Endeavoring to be fair can no longer be fair and unfair is fair enough.

Swasthika Sang

Clean Bowled

Clean Bowled _{But still batting}

Everyone would agree that The Pursuit of Happyness was one heck of a movie. The movie, even though not among the elite in IMDB, is deeply emotional and highly motivational. Something that is greater than the movie itself is the fact that it is a true story. Sadly, that story also proved that money is important for a man’s happiness.

Today we might go on echoing about following one’s passion, one’s deepest desires of the heart, blah blah blah. But the hard fact is that money is needed to meet a human’s needs. So if any person concedes his passion for the sake of himself and his dependents; that’s purely understandable. But, what’s not understandable is trading the thing which you are supposed to be passionate about in spite of having more than enough money in your kitty.

They say cricket is a game of glorious uncertainties. I doubt if it’s a game of fixed uncertainties. With the version being short, T20 was, is and will always be giving close encounters. But, with the recent rise of the spot fixing scandal more matches and players will be open to suspicion. The fact that BCCI is the richest sport organization does not help the cause either. It’s really appreciable how BCCI handled the cricket marketing over the past decade but one might wanna ask them ‘How much is enough?’

It’s a pity to note the extent of stupidity the players are baring in going for a few extra bucks via spot fixing. I mean, even if all they want is money, IPL is like a golden goose paying bucket loads every year. Spot fixing and getting caught is like killing the goose. When tempted with money some thoughtless fools are always going to fall for it. They better be ready for some tough action ‘cos BCCI has been ducking some bouncers of corruption of late and may be this time they will have to face it head on.

The call is for strict laws on fixing and betting which is very conventional. Why not go for the clear opposite. I mean, why not make betting legal? I just feel cheesy that I cannot brag this idea as my own paradigm because it’s been suggested by some already. Okay tears apart; let’s see what legal betting might bring to the game apart from money.

To start with, those who might oppose legal betting might sort the example of lottery tickets which is banned in 17 states of India. Oh yes, laws on betting are at each State’s government’s disposal. Lottery system did have an adverse effect on the middle class and the lower class. It made everyone to wait for some distant luck that never seemed to come. And also with my personal experience the state of Tamilnaldu has been doing much better without lottery. But, sports betting on the other hand, is a different ball game. Plus, horse betting and casino gambling is legal as they are considered “game of pure skill” and according to early constitution it’s legal to bet on “game of pure skill.”

No idea where that came from.

Legalizing cricket betting with modified set of rules such as

Licensing of approved bookies and betting houses.

Cap limit on the percentage of one’s income that can be placed as bets.

Levying higher tax on the winnings.

Am not qualified to give opinions on law, but, the above seem kinda good. Added to these the government can bring out certain other rules to sort out the legal ramifications involved. It will give the government extra income, the bookies will be under the radar and fixing can be reduced even though not completely eradicated.

Cricket comes pre-installed in all Indians from birth. In spite of the recent dents that cricket acquired due to spot fixing, I believe cricket craze will not diminish because when you love someone or something very much, after the storm is past, you will always overlook the bad qualities in them or those. Two best teams of this year’s IPL are facing off in today’s final. Let us hope yesterday’s controversy does not hinder the best of the best to come out on top.

Swasthika Sang

Boom

News about bombings and assassination attempts in some part of the world reach our ears every day or the other. In fact they have become part of the regular routine that when we feel indifferent, we enter into a situation of questioning our very human motives. Upon lighter thought one might be ascertained to think that the concept of terrorism is an irrational folly. But a little investigation will tell you that organized terrorism is nothing but rational.

It is intricate to interpret terrorism. How the word was perceived a couple of decades ago and how they are connoted now is very different. Something that is still in common is that there was and is a lot of loss of human lives. Freedom fighters, independent units formed to fight the colonial surge of another country, guerrilla units and a lot more were called as terrorists. Today’s terrorism is a lot more streamlined towards an express group of people whose motive is to disrupt normal human life.

The origin and rise of the Al-Qaeda will shed some light on Terrorism Begins. In the eighties when the Soviets invaded Afghanistan, the locals fought back. The US funded these locals as at that time they always had this anxiety that the Soviets might gain on them. The funding from the West and the Sheiks of Middle-East helped them secure even foreign recruits to their militia. Later when the Soviets had their own struggle and split, the war was over. The militia, which mostly consisted of uneducated and orphaned men, had nothing else to do, or, more appropriately, knew nothing else to do. There later amongst a few conflicts of interest between the West and Middle-East, arose a notorious man called Bin Laden. Rest is history.

Last month’s Boston Marathon Bombings was in contradiction with the other terrorist plots. The investigation gone so far has revealed the involvement of a few scattered individuals. One can say that the irrational minds of a few young people lead to it. But an act like this will need serious planning over a long period of time which does not go well with irrational minds. If a few irrationally rational minds are capable of such things, then what more peril awaits this world?

One more very disturbing and even more unfortunate thing is that most of the terrorist activities are attributed to people who follow Islam. While I am most certain that most Muslims would want to lead a calm and peaceful life like any other faction, there is this small portion of Muslims who are made to believe that there is a conspiracy going on against them on an international level. These people with their poor understanding of certain fundamental principles of their religion carry out the acts of terror.

While I am no master of any religion or religious belief, it is my understanding that people follow religion to keep themselves aligned to some principles. Principles that might lead someone through a path of spiritual, emotional and physical goodness to them and to those around them. What am sure of is that no religion would preach hatred and violence as that goes against the fundamental principle of human well-being.

But how and where it went wrong for Islam? The best explanation I can give is the wrong interpretation of the word Jihad. It means struggle. The misunderstanding came in the understanding of what struggle Jihad means. Most scholars feel it’s the struggle within the self to follow the righteous path shown by the almighty. A few others feel that it’s the struggle against those who oppose Islam. I am not sure if deeper investigation into this term by me will bring clarity or obscurity. These fewer Muslims are not helping themselves or their community as many hate crimes are targeted against other righteous members.

Religious writings were meant to serve humans barring time. But that does not mean that they can guide us all the time. This is a time when individual right to freedom comes second to nothing. Some of the religious myths of the yesteryears cannot be imposed at present. People of all groups and factions have to reconcile and words like dominance, hatred and ego should be kept lying in the dictionary alone. This new world we live in is very much powerful and if not treated right we shall lead it to destroy us. Universal harmony is the Need of the Hour. Love All and Hate None.

Swasthika Sang

Where are we heading???

We have been told that leading a successful life means adhering to some conventional unwritten rules. Graduating with a good percentage, securing a stable job, acquiring phony assets and some others fall under this category. Once those so called achievements which almost every average human being will be able to achieve are achieved, the achievers become happy.

One pronounced quality about humans is that they tend to show good will when they are happy. Some pay their thanks to God, the Almighty; some treat the people around; some others do something for the society. I am not much different; after all I am one of us. So, some part of my mind wanted to do something to this extolled earth which has held us since the beginning of beginings.

That thought barely exists in my mind now, for I have changed. We think change occurs tout de suite but it doesn’t. We assume certain crucial incidents bring about the change but they only point out the change that has happened in us. In the past few months there has been no short of those incidents. The infamous ‘Delhi Case’ and the beheading of a soldier in LOC might elude the memories of us with time but now they are still fresh.

Most often when brutal and barbaric behavior is noted in humans it is termed as animalistic behavior. I have to say that I strongly disagree with it. Animals act by instinct, hunt for hunger and attack for self-protection. We have that so called sixth sense still act much more devilish than animals. Maybe a new term should be given for that sui generis human behavior.

The above mentioned are just two of many which are happening all over the world. Thinking about all these, one question arises in my mind – Where are we heading? We believe that with the technical advancements, we are marching towards an era of human glory. But I fear that behind that thin layer of prosperity and glory there is a huge wall of destruction hiding from us.

Most of the crimes and incidents like these are not planned and executed. They just happen out of the beauty of human mind. It takes in everything that goes on around over the years and when that moment arrives which challenges the basic human mind’s architecture, those things come out in a very different way; a way which we hadn’t even dreamt of.

The thing which makes us drive forward amongst all these scenes is the hope that there are at least few good minds. It is like two faces of a coin; it’s just that the good side is rusted with only a few bright spots.

I don’t know if there is a solution to all these; just a couple of thoughts. At the end it all leads to what we let into our mind with or without our knowledge. Our actions will be only as good as our thoughts. Another thing is about the 4 C’s. Okay, you would have heard about the 3 C’s – Colour, Caste, Creed. The fourth C is Country which comes as my personal addition. Unity within the first three divisions have well been documented at times of dire need but unity amongst countries is a very hard thing to come by. Maybe we will have to be attacked by aliens in order to witness that.

Easier said than done I know. Things might happen to any of us. So in a way we need to secure this world for our own cause of fulfilling our own wishes. Respect others and you will respect yourself.

Swasthika Sang

Shhh!!!

Long gone are the days when someone actually has to commit a crime to get arrested. There is cyber-crime where one need not commit it physically. But, how will you feel when you get arrested for a status update in a social networking website? If you have been following the news, you will know that am not just contemplating.

A week back, one of the polemical Indian politicians passed away. The city of Mumbai was shut down throughout the day of his funeral. A young woman expressed her unrest in the form of a facebook status update. We know what happened next.

India boasts as the biggest democratic in the world and its people enjoy certain basic rights and amongst those comes the freedom of expression and free speech. The actions which took place seem to contradict the above stated rights.

Within a day of the arrest, there was a lot of criticism directed towards the police and the government. Also, the woman’s account was hacked, several fake accounts were created along with fan pages under the woman’s name. I am wondering if these are methods of showing support or exploiting the situation. Bottom line – The public or more specifically the Virtual Public felt that the police action on the women was harsh and uncalled for.

“Respect is earned, not given and definitely not forced. Today Mumbai shuts down due to fear and not due to respect. People like ________ are born and die daily and one should not observe a bandh for that.’’ These were the lines that lead to the subsequent events. Let’s forget the laws and the rules. Does it lie within human morals to defame a person who had just died? While I strictly condemn the arrest made, I believe the woman could have shown her dissent in a different way without directly attacking the deceased man.

Even before this incident, there has been a raging debate going on about the increasing number of hate speeches that are alleged to happen in this world. On one hand, freedom of expression has given a loud voice to a lot of minorities who fight for their cause and on the other hand, it has been used intentionally to hurt and insult the sentiments of certain minorities. Where to draw the line between free speech and hate speech?

Certain countries have laws against hate speech. Even our Indian government spearheaded by Kapil Sibal tried to censor the contents of social media. If it does happen at any point of time, it will have a good start for sure. People with heinous intentions will think twice before posting dubious content. But, on the longer run it has the potential to be used as a tool to curb or silence the critics and oppress the minorities.

Decades back, only the writers and orators had the power to reach the masses and convey their ideas. Now, thanks to social networking, everyone with access to the internet has become a proponent. It’s a good thing that people have found a way to voice their opinions but, they must also realize the power of ideas. When someone gives an opinion about you, it’s going to stay in your mind for a very long time; also it’s going to have an influence on your actions henceforth. Ideas have the same effect when it reaches more than one person.

Laws and censorship are not the answers to the problem of Free Speech Vs Hate Speech. Ethics and moral values should be realized by the humans themselves. If we have to protest against something let’s voice opinions for our own cause and not to insult or hurt someone. Free world and free speech doesn’t mean that one can take everything for granted.

Swasthika Sang