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This was written in 2020.
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There are two things which can alter someone’s life
completely. One is becoming a parent. The other is getting married. In a few
months I will be completing 30 years in this world without having faced the
above two things. My feelings slightly tilt towards glee rather than gloom. I
have to admit that there was not a great deal of planning that went into
achieving my current situation. There was a plan though. A vague plan, a
conscious plan, but not a well thought out plan.
During adolescence and late teenage years when you get a
sense of what relationships are all about, you kind of have a thought as to how
you want your romantic and marital life to be. You will later realize that
those thoughts were mostly influenced by what you saw in the movies and what
you saw your peers do. The thought back then, was to get married when I would
be 27 or 28. And it had to be a love marriage. That was very important. A point
to be noted is that this was a time when I wasn’t even sure what or where or
how my career was going to be. Long hail our Indian romantic movies where so
much of an importance is given to the lead pair’s careers.
What could be the usual reasons for wanting a love marriage?
It seems cool with all the conditioning from the movies, you get to understand
each other, arranged marriages are old school and boring etc. Although I am not
completely sure, I am fairly certain that these were part of the reasoning for
myself. Also, there was a conscious one. The thing I have found fascinating
about love marriages is that the most important life decision for the two
persons involved is taken by those two persons. It was important for me that I
take the most important decision of my life and not my parents and relatives.
It was important for me that the person who was going to marry me took the most
important decision of her life considering just my qualities and not the
qualities of my family. If you aren’t noticing, this is where I slide in the
fact that my sense of myself is a very huge Capital ‘I’.
There were years of college and there were the years of early
and mid-twenties. Perfect time for my vague and not so thought out plan to have
happened. A different turn of events and I would probably be writing on this
subject in a different way. But here I am as a near thirty-year-old man, with a
salvaged career and talking about marriage. I’m a not a believer of what-ifs.
This is an opportunity to remove the ‘not-so’ from the not-so-thought-out
notion I have had all these years. Let’s do that.
Life is a game which everyone has to play. There are no
trials. Marriage is somewhat similar. At least we treat it that way. Marriage
is a game which everyone chooses to play and then figure out if they are good
at it or if it’s something not meant for them. We might tend to think that
being in a relationship is a trial before marriage but I feel that the stakes
aren’t real enough to give us a sense of what marriage is all about.
Anecdotally many people are not happy in a marriage but why do
we keep pushing ourselves into it? Perhaps it’s the way human society
legitimizes romantic relationships.
பொய்யும் வழுவும் தோன்றிய பின்னர்
ஐயர் யாத்தனர் கரணம் என்ப
The above is a reference from Tholkappiam, the oldest available
Tamil literature. It means that marriage was created when lie and immorality
started appearing in relationships.
There are references aplenty for love and marriage in Tamil
literature but not so much for the right partner selection. It has mostly been
out of love or for strategic purposes. But things are vastly different now. A
good percentage of people realize the importance of finding the right partner.
Its just that we either end up not defining who our right partner would be or
succumb to the subtle pressures of the family.
When most of us think of a happy marriage or a happy
relationship that has to win the test of time, we think of the love between the
two. Love is great. Love is beautiful. Most art forms that we have created are
based on the subject ‘Love’. “Love is the one thing we are capable of
perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space”, claims my favourite
film maker Chris Nolan through a dialogue in the movie Interstellar. As we
mostly are star-struck by the notion of love, we tend to forget that falling
out of love is as much possible as falling in love.
I think love is only part of the answer. I myself stand as
first hand witness to quite a few older couples having absolutely nothing but
contempt for each other. It is not hard to imagine these same couple being fond
of each other and full of love at the beginning of their marriages. What led
them to the current scenario? What is the missing piece if they had love to
begin with?
I think the missing piece is a feeling of respect. The
respect I talk of is not the one that comes out of a position of knowledge or
authority. It’s the appreciation that we have for someone’s judgement and
sensibility. With this sense of appreciation, you won’t look down on your
partner even when they do mistakes. Love for one another can bring two people
together but I guess it’s the mutual respect and appreciation that keeps two
people together.
Respect and appreciation are going to keep away criticism,
contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. It is these four feelings, over time,
will lead to a divorce according to John Gottman. John Gottman, you must know,
is famous for predicting the success of any marriage with 83% accuracy, after
observing a couple in conversation just for 15 minutes.
So, what do you do? “Keep your eyes wide open before
marriage, half shut afterwards”, said Benjamin Franklin. I don’t think someone
can put it better than this. You have to be brutally honest to yourself as to
if you are the right person for the other and vice versa. Beyond attraction and
love ask yourself if you respect and appreciate the other person’s thought
process. Ask yourself if the other person respects and appreciates you. I am not
qualified to talk about post marriage timeframe. But I strongly feel that it is
necessary to get into a marriage with a mindset to give and take. As the wise
man has said keep your eyes half shut when you are married.
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